The Foxtrot Heard ‘Round the World: A Tragedy Best Told by Tweets

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

You’ve (not) heard it here first — Dom’s Market and Foxtrot have closed their doors for the final time this past Tuesday, including stores across Chicago, D.C., Austin, and Dallas.

This move is shrouded in mystery, and very little information has been shared thus far. Given the abrupt nature of this decision, bored Chicagoans (like myself) are dying to know what is going on behind the scenes. What happened that is so urgent, that the stores could not be open for a singular moment longer? Literally!!! I walked passed both Dom’s and Foxtrot on my way to bookclub in Lincoln Park last night, and both establishments were left untouched (Figures 1 and 2). Plates still on the cafe tables, unfrosted cakes, open cartons of almond milk.

If I didn’t know any better, I would describe it as apocalyptic. This is nothing short of a tragedy for people from Chicago who grew up in the suburbs. Marketing girlies have no where to WFH now. Local neighborhood boyfriends have no where to grab a mediocre (at best) cup of coffee. Where will gay sons and thot daughters buy their groceries now?? (To be fair, I don’t think anyone actually grocery shopped there — if you did, please see me after class. I just want to talk.

Soon, the memory of these places will fade into collective memory the same way as the Webkinz cooking challenge (Figure 3) — never truly saying goodbye and slowly feeling like a fever dream.

In all seriousness, people are out of WORK. And right now, there’s no explanation. Like most global tragedies, there is truly no other option than to turn to Twitter for emotional support and spiritual guidance.

I have compiled the best Tweets on the subject so far so you don’t have to — yes I included my own Tweet, I will not apologize.